Written by Roy Smith        

    So much of the struggle with PTSD, when you get past the anger and the nightmares, is trying to piece together the relationships that you have left behind. I have spent the last 18 months learning to rebuild those relationships. My children have been the hardest battle that I have had to deal with. There is so much I wish I had done and wish I had known to do earlier.

            Being a parent with PTSD is hard because you’re wanting to reach out and let them in but those of us who suffer have forgotten how and while our family members were at home missing us or watching the war on TV we were experiencing the war first hand. At the time I believed that once I got home everything would be okay and it would sort itself out. Unfortunately, I learned that it wasn’t okay and life seemed to be far more jumbled up then it used to.

            One of the most important things I have learned is interaction. One hug is not enough to make up for 18 months of being gone. Children need to feel their parents interacting with them. Listening, even if they talk for two hours about a TV show that you couldn’t care less about, the truth is before you left for war you would have listened to them for two hours. And what is so important to remember is that they didn’t completely change who they were while you were gone. We changed while at war. Remembering to interact with your children is only part of it. It can be as simple as reminding them to brush their teeth and kissing them out the door on their way to school. It is so easy to forget the little things we used to do when we come home. We are not used to being in close physical contact.

            Sometimes our children or our spouses hug us and we can’t feel anything. Even though they are using all their strength to show their love for us it just can’t register. It is important, even vital, especially with children to respond to this love. To make the mental effort to squeeze them tighter it’s our response to them that will make them feel loved. But, when we just stand there and look down confused there is not much comfort for our child. It does not remind them of who we are.

            In many ways it sounds simple, listen to your children, remember to hug them back, and pick up old routines which you had before you left for war. However, in reality there is nothing simple about it. It takes work to have PTSD and not go running into your daughters’ room each time you hear a scream. Harder still is to not run in there looking like you are about to murder somebody, as I did, and have your child start to cry because you’ve scared her. You have to remember to check the anger at the door. To always ask yourself, did this behavior bother me before I deployed?  Understanding how much we have changed can be intimidating. When you begin to realize that you no longer understand how to emotionally respond to the people that you are closest to it’s easy to just give up and emotionally lock ourselves down.

            The hardest part for me was opening back up again. Some people would argue that it is better to be yourself and your family should just accept you for who you are now. That is true if you don’t want to work on rebuilding what you have had. If you want to see your life fall apart and self-destruct then not doing a damn thing to change your behavior is the best way I know how to make that happen.

            Our children need to feel we love them, and just because we might have forgotten how to do that doesn’t mean that their need has decreased any. As parents with PTSD we need to make a conscious effort to remember positive behavior patterns. Fighting our own PTSD is worth it in order to be a good parent and provide a healthy life for our families.

            It is on us as parents to remember who we used to be and use that as a starting point to where we are going in our lives as parents and partners. Returning from war is never easy, but actually coming home is the hardest part of all but our families desire our best efforts.