This is a very personal account of life as seen through the eyes of a child and related through the words of an adult – the child who lived through it. It was not easy to write this. It is a mish-mash of interpretations assigned to unpleasant situations by a child who could not possibly know the depth of the problem.
Background
My father rarely talked about his experiences in combat during World War II. Perhaps he thought it was best to protect the innocence of his little girls. Maybe he didn’t want to remember it himself, although it probably would have helped all of us if he were to talk about it.
Mother appeared to be an enabler – before that term was ever part of common speech. She was a patient, quiet and understanding person by nature. As a child looking on, it seemed that she took Father’s “side” or made excuses for his behavior and frightening outbursts. If she had the information, his secret was safe with her.
The Best of Times … and the Worst of Times
Don’t get me wrong. There were good times. One week each summer was spent at the beach. There were extended visits by/to my father’s brother and his little family living on the opposite coast. We hosted annual family reunion clambakes and picnics to start and finish each summer.
There were outings to historic places. The drives along the Massachusetts Mohawk Trail (Route 2) in the fall are memorable for the New England display of color. Saturday participation in programs at our local public library came right after our piano lessons. Yes, there were those good times, too.
In between the Good Times, I made every effort to remain an inconspicuous non-entity in my somewhat scary surroundings. Believe me when I say I was not always successful. I spent too much time apologizing for things that I couldn’t remember doing or being ordered to recount each step leading to the error of my ways – followed by the apology.
It was inevitable, or so it seemed, that outbursts (and periods of angry quiet) would somehow be traced back to a misstep on my part. Time-out sessions had not yet been invented, no privileges could be removed (we didn’t have any) and there was no possibility of redemption.
We had a chart on the wall that split the chores assigned to each of us. Wrong doings or disrespect (often misinterpreted) was rewarded by frequent use of a strong leather belt during my growing-up years. Did we learn respect based on Love or was it based on Fear? I don’t know.
I do know that everyone admired us. We were well-behaved, perfect children. No problems here. Little did they know. To this day, I still apologize up front and choose my words carefully when I speak.
My personality was that of the middle child, but I needed to fulfill the role of the oldest of two girls who were born barely 13 months apart. I was the protector … the guard. There were times when I thought that my older sister, who died as a newborn, really was in a better place. Why couldn’t I be with the angels sitting next to her at the feet of the Lord?
Veteran’s Administration Has Responsibility to Families
The Veteran’s Administration provided marginal acute care for the affected veteran and no support services for the family. We were living out our own field of combat and it seemed that they just didn’t care. That was 30-60 years ago.
I’m not looking for a purple heart. I have no cravings for congressional medals. Those were given to Father. The only thing I wish is something that I will never receive … caring support for the immediate family. Why?
Father died on Memorial Day some 20+ years ago. Mother dropped dead on her wedding anniversary about 14 years ago. The sister that I loved and felt very attached to now lives 1300 miles away with her only child and his family … a military family living near the army base.
Fortunately, practices have changed and the level of care and rehabilitation is improving. There are still some rough spots. However, thanks to the reports from imbedded journalists and recuperating reporters, long overdue changes are slowly evolving into a healthcare model that addresses both the returning military and their families.
The Value of a Nurturing Environment
It was very difficult, but fortunately my adult boys never experienced the roller coaster life that I knew. Their childhood growth and development years were filled with the best and most loving experiences we could give them. They have the best dad in the whole wide world – a pre-Vietnam peacekeeping army veteran that I had the good fortune to meet and marry 27 years ago. I was lucky. I had my very own little angel in heaven watching over me.
There are many adult children of combat veterans who cannot sustain a relationship for any length of time. They continue to lead lives of quiet desperation or hopeless self-destruction. These are the same traits we saw in returning soldiers from previous battles. There is one exception: it has a new name. Today, we know this condition called “battle fatigue” as an illness referred to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Can the adult child of a combat veteran show the same classic signs of “battle fatigue” as that soldier who was repeatedly patched up and returned to the front lines during a tour of duty? I don’t pretend to be able to answer all the questions, but I can say that I know PTSD can be passed to the next generation.
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Thank you for your honest sharing.
How true! I am the daughter of a decorated WWII paratrooper who was portrayed in the war film The Longest Day and also written about in a number of WWII history books. However, no author was interested in his post war life – his alcoholism, 3 marriages, and the persistence of combat trauma. PTSD was not a psychological diagnosis back them and there was no attention paid to the vet even if he attempted to get help from the VA.
Incredible, our lives could be parallels except for the fact that my Vietnam Vet husband suicided after a serious trigger set off his PTSD….and my father, the WWII vet, had died just months before.
As the baby, I apparently caught the better years as my father, already into another successful legal career, tried to “change” his reactions and I benefited from it, a source of never ending sibling resentments.
My baby, and my two children that my husband brought into the marriage, and I suffered immensely.
Carol,
My father, too, was a heavily decorated veteran who parachuted behind enemy lines and lived and worked with the French underground as a member of the OSS. He was as successful in his post-war, civilian career and is still remembered 26 yrs after his death, as much for his success as for his notoriety. When he’d get irritated, he was never afraid to let anyone know it and he had a formidable command of the English language.
He did manage, or should I say my mother managed, to keep the marriage together, but in retrospect, I simply don’t know how.
The VA offered no help to either, not that my father would have taken it, but my husband did make a couple attempts to get help and the VA….well, that is worthy of a short book. Suffice to say that they obviously had no intention of fulfilling their mission before my vet’s death or after.
And they wonder what erodes a nation from within…
My father was disabled in a non-combat accident while in the military and I completely relate to your post and the added comments.
Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!
Thumbs up, and keep it going!
Cheers
Christian
I work as a manager in a law firm that specializes in VA claims and most of our cases surround PTSD. I can’t tell you how many times I have spoken with children of Veterans who suffer from PTSD. I hear a lot of these people discuss the difficulty of maintaining a consistent relationships with their fathers due to the illness. It’s tough.
The postings really hit home for me. I’m 45 years old now and my father was a decorated DDay vet.
He recently died in the VA hospital of complications from his substance abuse and dementia.
My only consolation is that we were able to communicate (substance free) for the last five years of his life. We were able to forgive each other — however this has driven a wedge between me and the rest of my family. It has also been extremely challenging to make the necessary changes in my life—especially at work, I feel like I’m falling behind despite all my acievements as a “high performer” in the past.
I am currently involved with my doctors and counselors to improve my life, but I still feel isolated. I have not been able to sustain relationships. I was in the Pentagon on 9/11 and this has compounded my feelings. All of my life I have felt my father’s anxiety, nightmares and anger. Despite this I always loved him.
Is anyone aware of support groups available to adult children of combat vets? Thank you.
My father died twenty years ago and I still find myself defined by growing up in his house. A veteran of WWII, Korea and Vietnam he retired from the army after 30+ years and proceeded to drink himself to death. Every summer as I approach the anniversary of his death,which was also a nightmare for his children, I reaffirm my desire to live in the present. I think one of the most difficult issues with growing up with these wounded warriors was the iron curtain that was wrapped around our childhood experiences. We were bound by a code of silence. I think a book, a gathering of stories and experinces both good and bad could provide some healing. Recently I visited with an old high school friend who was an officer’s daughter and frequently visited in my home (my father was a first sargeant) and we told each other our true experiences, the ones no one talked about back then. ItI was not only cathartic but created a space for a real friendship, and laughter.
Thank you for sharing this! I have felt my whole life like I was the only one dealing with this. The explosive anger, the silence, the “code of silcence” about it all. One thing I have learned is that I am determined to give my children a better childhood than the one I experienced. One filled with love, kindness, mutual respect and genuine joy.
Thank you again for sharing. It’s comforting to not feel so alone.