Written by Roy Smith

I was recently contacted by a couple of marines who commented on my articles about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD.  In particular, they expressed their own problems in dealing with their PTSD symptoms like anger and depression.  I was grateful for their words and that I was able to help them know they are not alone.  That is why I write about PTSD and I am happy to hear I have  helped others like me.  I encourage the two marines and others to seek the professional help they need as I did and I share the following article with all of them in an effort to help them and to help non-PTSD sufferers understand this disorder.

In The Beginning

            My diagnosis of PTSD has gone through several evolutions and from the beginning I was told why I was afflicted with the condition.  I was told my PTSD was a result of circumstances that where unavoidable and that it was something I just needed to deal with and get over. I was even told that PTSD is something I will never get over and it was my own fault because I chose to be in the military. Later, I was told there was nothing I could do about the symptoms like nightmares, anger and depression.  I was told a lot of things about my PTSD each time I came back from a deployment and the answers always seems to be something different. Therefore, I began looking for my own answers as to why I felt the way I did. 

            What I know about PTSD is this that sometimes it’s unavoidable.  I know now my own PTSD is carried with memory and rage. It’s carried with the names of my friends who I have lost and it carries the memories of the lives I have taken. For me PTSD is not just a Stress Disorder, it’s an experience disorder.

When Anger Comes First

            I was angry in war, I was angry when I got home, I was angry each time I went back to war. I am still angry and I now believe I will always be angry. My anger used to be easily channeled. I could direct it anywhere on anyone or anything and used that ability to complete my missions during war.  It wasn’t so easy to channel it once I came back though. If you looked at me wrong I gave you a death stare. If you asked me how my day was I would answer something like “what the hell is your problem and why do you care?” My anger was like oxygen because I breathed it in to survive and welcomed it to the point where it filled my mind, heart, and soul. It encompassed who I was and everything I did, regardless of whether I was at war or at home and there became the real problem.

Coping With the Anger

            There is no making the anger go away or diluting it once you let it take over but there are ways to cope with it so you can control it. Ways to maybe not wake up each morning dreaming about every moment of hell you have walked through as I once did. It’s hard to have a good day when you went to war the previous night and the dreams are so vivid you swear you smell the smoke and blood. Most people don’t understand the realism dreams can have. When you have really seen it, or shot it, or heard its screams and watched it die in real life then it’s not a nightmare, it’s a memory and the experience of a real event relived while asleep. The memories are even more real and personal if you relive your own injuries each night like I have for four years now.

            My memories are like my anger; I carry them with me everywhere I go.  I realized there is no escape from them so my anger grew.  My anger got to the point where it came before my memories. I was angry all the time and it affected every aspect of my life, even my relationship with my daughters and wife.

Overcoming the Anger

            Anger is what lives within me now that I have returned home and one of the things I learned since I started writing is there are more people out there like me then I thought.   My message to all of you like me is that you too can control the anger.  It may not seem like it now but trust me, you can.  I ask you to try to overcome the most debilitating aspects of PTSD such as the anger, depression, misery, pain, and anguish which are the most severe symptoms. 

            I ask you to trust what I am telling you and that even if today and tomorrow turn out to be extremely bad days, believe that the next day can be better.  Don’t give up. I won’t tell you everyday will be good, but you can get to a point where most of them can be.  That is the stage I am at now with my PTSD. You will get there as well.  

            I will always have nightmares but I don’t wake up screaming anymore. Took me a while to get there but I got there and so can you.  It’s not always about making big steps. PTSD and escaping from its grasp is about understanding the moment. You might only have one hour a day for three days that you can say you felt all right. The key is knowing when that one hour is and recognizing it. Once you begin recognizing that you had what I call a “good hour” go back and see what triggered that hour.  Be sure your reasons behind that “good hour” are healthy. If you are truly being honest you may realize as I did that in the beginning my “good hours” were occurring after I had lashed out in anger at people or situations and from turning to alcohol.  I made that mistake in the beginning and hopefully you can avoid it.  Too many of us with severe PTSD turn to drugs and/or alcohol to “self medicate”.  It is ultimately is self destructive. 

            However, once you have the one “good hour”, it can lead to more.  You just have to accept you are allowed to have good periods. Something else I have learned struggling with my PTSD is that you have to honestly want yourself to be angry or depressed or miserable.  Sounds weird, I know, but I discovered that I had become comfortable with my physical pain, anger and misery.  After a while, I became who I was and all I knew.  I had gotten to the point where I didn’t think I deserved one good hour and I was convinced I deserved everything I was and had become.

Inspired to Seek Help

            One of my readers is a Marine named Shawn who commented on my previous article titled, “Understanding My Anger”.  I truly wish him the best of luck and I hope he reads this article.  It was inspired by his words to me and I hope he understands that each day is a new step and can be a new beginning. Each day offers a new opportunity for us to escape our pain and anger. Just keep trying.

            Getting help is important and sometimes you might not have someone in your life that can provide it. Understanding you have a choice is one of the most important steps to winning your freedom from the hell that is PTSD.  Not giving up the battle is so much of the struggle for me even to this day and I send all the courage I can to Shawn and others like him.  Even those like use in physical as well as mental pain can overcome and live happy, productive lives.  Maybe you can even find a way to channel your anger like I have.  I chose the written word and volunteering for charities as my outlet. 

            I still have bad days and it is still hard to check myself when people piss me off. However, I also have the ability to sit and fish for a day without remembering the hell I have been through in my life. And it’s not worth it for me to get angry anymore even if the idiot that cut me off truly deserves to be punched.  Anger is every day for people like us, it just has to be dealt with. We unfortunately can’t chose to forget the trauma which makes us who we are now, but we can chose to not allow it to rule the rest of our lives or let anger govern everything we do.