Interviewed by Angela Caban,

 

People today make the assumption that when we mention military spouses, we automatically refer to women. Today there are over 6% of male military spouses among us. Male military spouses have to deal with many obstacles; friendships, transition, home life and discrimination. Wayne Perry is a male military spouse of just a year, battling these obstacles daily. On Life of a Military Spouse, Wayne shares his story with us on how he deals with these obstacles as well as what he is doing to build awareness of the male military spouse.

You have been married for 5 years and your wife just enlisted last year, how was the transition from civilian to military life?

 
EXTREMELY difficult. Not only did I have to learn to deal with life without the person I intended to be home every night when I married her, because the Army was never a thought, but I had to learn how to deal with being a stay at home dad. To say the least I did not handle this transition well. It was such a difficult transition that my wife and I made the decision to allow our oldest son to stay with my folks in Florida this school year so we could get a better handle on the situation. And what completely caught me off guard was when I reached out to the Chaplains where my wife was attending AIT (I moved out there but we only saw each other maybe 10 hrs a week), I was basically brushed off. Actually worse, but we will leave it at being brushed off. Thankfully there were people like those who run The Army Wife Network, Christian Military Wives and some others who through social networking helped me along the way.
 
 
What would you say is the biggest challenge of a male military spouse?

 
For me personally, it would be the lack of comradary and friendships with other guys, or anyone for that matter being we are new. Since I was already over 30 when my wife enlisted, I pretty much had life set up. Our house, friends, contacts, etc. But just like the struggle all military spouses face of moving to a new area, we have to make connections all over again. And for me having a 20 month old at home, the outlets to actually meet other men are slim. I try to attend as many of the on post playgroups as possible for our son’s social interaction, but social interaction lacks for me because there aren’t many men who attend these playgroups. And let’s face it, for the most part it’s even hard to make any connections with men because what am I going to say, “Hey, you want to come over my house and play blocks and color with me and the baby?” 
 

Do you feel that the military puts little emphasis on male spouses? What are you doing to change this?

 
This is a tricky question, personally I don’t really know how much of an emphasis the military is responsible for outside of the main duty to serve and protect our country. But at the same time, there is the Army Family Covenant and I believe similar things for the other branches. They do provide a lot of services for families in general, and it seems like there is some kind of function or outreach going on for the female military spouses at all times. And let’s face it, there is a supply and demand thing going on here and there just aren’t many guys to be had. So to ask the military to emphasize more puts them in a precarious situation. Especially when you consider most activities for military spouses are gender neutral. It just so happens that guys don’t want to go “hang out” with a room full of women typically doing the typical stay at home things. As guys, the things we like to do are a little different. I think anyone who has spent enough time around the opposite sex knows we differ on our likes and dislikes, typically speaking.
 
As for what I am trying to do to change this? I am making some noise. Sure part of me expects the military to acknowledge us a little more, but ultimately it comes down to the individuals who want something to go after it and get it going. Thankfully I am not too shy about asking for help and reaching out. One of the best resources I have been put in contact with is the Army’s new Parent Support Program through Army Community Services (ACS). I have an AWESOME counselor, who is also a guy, who tries to come to my house weekly and meet and discuss things with me. Currently we are feeling the waters on creating a “Dad’s Playgroup” where it’s men who bring their children to interact with other men and their kids.  Also along with another male military spouse here at our duty station, we are attempting to put together a steering committee to assess the needs and wants of other male military spouses. And one other thing is we just launched a male military spouse page on Facebook. It’s called MANning the Homefront-Military Style. I know it’s going to be slow going no matter what I have my hand in concerning male military spouses, but persistence pays off.
 
 
With there being only a little over 6% of male military spouses how do you cope with the challenges of this lifestyle? Do you connect with other male spouses?

 
How do I cope? Well while my wife was in AIT, things got so bad that I sought some psychiatric counseling and was prescribed all sorts of things. Nothing worked and the side effects were horrendous for me. Never had I questioned my mental well being before she joined the Army. The best way I find to cope with things is by following what “Mama Mary” says, “Just go with it. You can’t change anything or control anything concerning this life as a military spouse, so make the most out of everything they hand you.” Mama Mary is someone who through Facebook reached out to me when I was struggling most. I call her Mama because she’s like a mom of military spouses. Her military spouse resume qualifies her to be listened to. And ever since I actually started listening to her, things have been panning out alright.
 
As far as connecting with other male military spouses, well they are hard to find. Included in that percentage you mentioned I am sure a good portion are dual military families. If I had to guess the percentage of guys who aren’t serving who are married to someone who is, I would guess it to be half of that. And I think that’s the biggest thing I am trying to do right now is just connect us guys. Any time I do get connected with one, it sounds like an echo of what each of us have to say any time I do meet one or correspond with one. Currently, I have no guys to connect with. Which in part goes back to “hey you want to come over and play blocks and color with me and the baby?” Also we are new to this post and my wife switched units only 3 months after getting here and then was just deployed 3 weeks after the switch. So I really don’t know how to go about meeting other guys. 
 

With your wife currently deployed, how are you handling home life as a stay at home military dad?

Much better than I think many people, including me, would have anticipated a few months back. I refuse to let this deployment beat me. I am going kind of stir crazy cooped up in the house here in Kansas in the winter. We are from Florida so I am used to shorts year round and being able to go to a park if I wanted to year round. It gets kind of lonely having only the baby to converse with, but that can be said for most stay at home parents. The difference for us guys is again our network as stay at homes is much smaller. And when you throw in being married to someone in the military, it shrinks even more. I am also using this time as a time to reflect on myself. I learned a lot about myself in the six months my wife was at AIT and basic training and I expect to grow on want all learned this time around. Don’t get me wrong, I am a realist and know I will have some hiccups along the way. But I won’t let them stop me from growing into a better father, husband and man. 
 

What advice would you give a new stay at home dad?

GET OUT THERE! If you have young ones, go to the playgroups. Even if it is primarily women, they aren’t going to bite. I don’t encourage men to go to these playgroups and look for deep friends, just people they can get to know a little. Currently our baby is being fussy about eating. I kind of stress about it, but then a seasoned mom explains how to handle it, and WA-LA the stress shrinks. Guys get intimidated by a room full of women. There are lots of reasons why, but we can’t let any stop us from doing what we need to do to get our kids socialized and interacting with other kids. For anyone in the military community, I would encourage them to look up the New Parent Support Program or its equivalent wherever you are for whichever branch you are attached to. And definitely see if there’s a guy who is a counselor to speak with you. My counselor comes once a week to share what’s going on with the post and to offer me whatever service I may need, but they don’t have to come every week. They do have criteria to meet, but my once a week will be by choice so we can make some noise together and do what we can to get more guys involved.
 
 
If you could change one thing about being a male military spouse, what would it be?

Could I be a female military spouse? Because that would solve a lot of problems. But seriously, I can’t think of anything I want to change. For me personally I believe God has me right where He wants me. And He doesn’t want me to change anything about being a male military spouse. He just wants me to make a change for others and let them know they aren’t alone. I believe that it’s not our role as male military spouses that needs to change, but what we do with our roles as fathers and husbands. I would love to see every military installation around the globe give us some outlets us guys can relate to. I mean come on, this is the military and we are guys, somebody has to be blowing something up somewhere once in awhile, let us guys get together to watch (from a safe distance of course). Guys not only want guy things, they need them. And sure there are exceptions to the “man rules”, but generally speaking “if it walks like a man, talks like a man, then it probably is a man.” And if you aren’t sure, give him a minute and he will prove his manliness.
 

What is one thing you want others to know about male military spouses?

WE ARE OUT HERE! That’s what I want the other male military spouses to know. I can’t stress enough how many men I have talked to that feel like they are a rarity. When in actuality they aren’t. No there’s not many, and if a guy is reading this, he should get this next thing. We are like a Mickey Mantle rookie card, not a Honus Wagner tobacco card. All you got to do is look and make yourself available. But you can’t meet people if you don’t try. 
 
What I would want the female military spouses to know is that we can use your help. Guys don’t like asking for help. I personally will ask two different people for directions at a gas station because I really don’t want to get lost. But most guys, are like guys, and will try to figure it out on their own. We more often than not will not ask for a hand with anything. When in reality, we would love to have the kid(s) go to your house for a few hours. We would love for a little time to get out there. Because we don’t have the opportunities that the female military spouses do to connect with just about anybody. We have to work hard to make a friend who we can relate to who is the same sex. We have to work REALLY hard! But for the guys reading this, you can’t ask or accept babysitting from a stranger, so again, you have to meet them.
 
As far as the general population, we need your prayers too. Specifically, we pray for our military and their families often, but there is a growing trend in the military that needs to come to a stop. The divorce rate for females who are enlisted in the Army is nearly 8% according to the publication The Military Times in an article published in 2008. I can’t find any data to say if that has increased or decreased since, but I can’t see there being much change one way or the other. Because there hasn’t been much change to address the specific needs of male military spouses. I am hoping to make some noise to hopefully correct that, but I am just a nobody trying to do something.

Want to read more on Wayne? Visit Wayne on the Homefront United Network as he discusses male military life!
 
For more on Angela Caban, visit her website at www.angelacaban.com.

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