Interviewed by: Angela Caban

Before Vernessa Neu became a Navy wife, mother of 4 daughters (ages 22 months to 15 years old), and the founder/executive editor of MilitaryTeenOnline.com, she herself was serving in the Navy and grew up an Army brat. Vernessa’s life is bustling with the military, and this is something that she is very proud of. In “Life of a Military Wife”, Vernessa opens up about her military experiences as well as her struggles, fears and proudest moments as a military spouse.

Why did you make the choice to enter the Navy? What did you learn from this experience?

I decided to join the Navy because I felt I was going nowhere in my hometown.  At the time I was a single mother of one and I had a great job with excellent health and education benefits.   That job came to an end within a few years. At the time my job ended, I was only half way through my degree and my education benefits ended with my job.  I felt the only opportunity for me to complete my education and support my small family was to join the military.  It seemed like the right thing to do and seemed like an easy way out. Despite having grown up in an Army community, I decided to join the Navy.  I am not quite sure why I decided on the Navy but it turned out to be a great decision.

I only served one term in the Navy but that experience taught me so much about who I am and what I am able to accomplish.  During my training phase I struggled daily with the separation from my daughter.  I believe that struggle is what helped me get through boot camp and other difficult times.  I was determined to provide a better life for my child and I was able to overcome many obstacles.

The Navy opened so many doors for me.  Not only did I meet my husband but I learned a marketable trade as an Information Systems Technician and was able to finish my bachelor’s degree while on active duty at no cost to me.  Once I separated from the Navy, I was able to use my MGIB benefits to fund my MBA.

Being in the Navy was a priceless experience and I if I had to do it all over again, I would.  My Shipmates provided an excellent support system for me, I was progressing through the ranks quickly, and I learned the true meaning of “standing on my own two feet.”

What experiences from growing up as an Army brat, have you used as a military spouse?

As an Army brat I learned that every duty station, regardless of location, has something positive to offer.  I wasted a lot of years as an adolescent being upset about where we were moving next.  It was during my 11^th grade year in high school that I finally learned to appreciate where I was and to always look for the positive in a situation.  That was a great time for my wakeup call because at the time my family was stationed in the beautiful Heidelberg, Germany. 

As a military spouse, I still have that same positive attitude and it has helped me to quickly adjust to my new surroundings.  And thankfully, my children have all adopted the same attitude.  When it is time to move again, they are all as excited as I am about what the next duty has to offer. 

What are some of the challenges that you face as a military wife?

As a military wife my biggest challenge has been putting my career on hold to support my husband’s career.  It’s a choice I made because I felt it was best for our children.  Although many military wives do it every day, I could not imagine running my household with four children and working a full time job while my husband is deployed or has duty.   I am just so grateful for the opportunity to be a stay at home mom.  It is a very rewarding job!

I am looking forward to returning to work one day so I try to keep my skills current by volunteering, attending workshops, networking and completing continuing education units.  I can only hope that this will be enough to launch my career when I am ready to return to work.

What motivated you to continue your education?

It is just one of those things that I promised myself I would do during my lifetime.  It was not necessarily about trying to get the biggest salary or best job.  For me, it meant taking advantage of every opportunity afforded to me.  There was absolutely no reason for me not to continue my education.  My husband fully supported the idea and thanks to my military service my education was fully funded. 

Despite PCS’ing every 24 months for the last 10 years, I was able to complete my coursework with online courses.  It did take me much longer than anticipated because I took time off from school with the birth of each child and during my husband’s last deployment.  But with a little perseverance and very little sleep I was able to complete my now degree. And now that the military has announced that the service member’s MGIB benefits are transferrable to children and spouses, I am strongly considering working toward a Ph.D. in the near future. 

 

Was there ever a time in your life that you felt you could not handle this lifestyle? What did you do to overcome this feeling?

There have been many tough times through the years that left me second guessing, but I can honestly say that I have never felt I could not handle being a military wife.  I watched my mom survive this lifestyle and I knew I could as well.

During the tougher times, which were usually when my husband were deployed, I found a way to overcome by connecting with other military wives in the community, by visiting family, by becoming more involved in my children’s activities, or by meditating.

During my husband’s last deployment I was pregnant with our 4^th child.  During that time I dealt with a lot of emotions surrounding a difficult pregnancy and a death in the family.  The only reason I was able to survive that difficult time was because of the strong spouses club here on base.  Those wonderful ladies, most of whom I had just met, helped me through the tough days and tearful nights.

What kind of support does a military wife need to accomplish their goals?

A military wife needs support from 3 different places to accomplish her goals.

1)      A military wife needs to support herself because it helps build resilience and strength.

2)      A military wife needs support from her family both near and far. 

3)      A military wife needs community support.  There is nothing like having the support of someone who has been in your shoes.

How do you handle being a single parent of four while your husband is away?

The only answer I can come up with is “the best way I can.”  Sometimes that means having to hire a babysitter so I can get some alone time.  Otherwise, I just take it day by day and try to maintain a routine so I can get everything done for the day.

 

Could you explain a bit about your website, MilitaryTeenOnline.com?

MilitaryTeenOnline is a support network for military teens.  I founded MilitaryTeenOnline.com to provide a valuable resource to the teens in the military community.  There seemed to be a lot more resources geared towards active duty members and military spouses, and there are a few resources for younger children. However, I didn’t find any websites created specifically for teenagers in military families.  MilitaryTeenOnline.com was created to help bridge the gap for military teens. 

The site is interactive and allows teens to chat, blog, share pictures, share their story, and that is naming only a few of the features.  The website has only been online for a couple of months.  My goal is to reach a minimum of 18,000 military teens and have them actively participating on the web site.

 

What do you wish for teens to gain from this site that they are not receiving elsewhere?

I am hoping the teens will find and connect with other teens that are experiencing or have experienced the same situations.  I want the site to be a go-to place for teens looking for an extended support network.  I think this is especially important for teens with military parents that are not living near military communities and may feel isolated. 

I also want the site to provide valuable resources to teens about dealing with deployment, moving, starting new schools, and other teen issues.  It is a great place for teens to seek advice and offer advice to each other.  The site is constantly being monitored and moderated by adults to ensure all content and pictures are appropriate.

 

How do your children deal with the stresses of military life?

My younger girls transition with no problems.  As long as mommy is happy they are happy.  The only time a problem arises is when daddy is away for too long.  After a couple of months of separation from daddy it becomes more difficult to console them.  It helps when their father is able to Skype with them so they hear his voice and see his face.

My oldest daughter has a more difficult time transitioning from place to place (hence the creation of www.MilitaryTeenOnline.com). She is very concerned about leaving her friends behind and starting over at a new high school.  She is very active in sports and always worries about if she will be able to play at her new location.  All of her concerns are understandable but things always seem to work out for her.

 

What is one thing you wish people knew about your life as a military wife? 

I find it interesting when non-military wives ask me if I miss him, if the kids miss him, or if I am concerned about his safety when he is away.  It just seems to me that they would already know that yes I miss him, the kids miss him more, and of course I am concerned about his safety.