Love and marriage may seem to “go together like strawberries and chocolate,” but most couples, especially after their spouses have come home from combat, find the road back to marital bliss a bit bumpy. Each partner has been away from the other and during this time probably explored their own set of rules and guidelines including beliefs about their responsibilities and expectations for time and money management.

 

Then there is also the emotional baggage that some veterans may face after serving active duty. These experiences could create changes in their lives that affect them for a lifetime and can be either negative or positive depending on how they decide to cope with it. 

 

It takes strength, desire, honest communication, and hard work to move a relationship through the obstacles it will encounter, such as:

 

·     Time spent away from each other

·     Romance – any feelings of awkwardness?

·     New struggles for power and dominance after your partner returns home

 

The goal ultimately is to have a loving marriage or relationship based on shared importance.

 

Get off to a good start by avoiding these five major mistakes:

1.   This is how I think it needs to be done and that is that!

2.   Everything will be the same when I come home.

3.   My partner will change and be the way I want them to be once I am home.

4.   Talking about issues like their friends that you do not like, the credit card debt, how you think the kids should be raised, and who should clean the toilet, will take the bloom off romance and the relationship.

5.   We should avoid conflict at all costs and hold everything in.

The objective is to sit down when your partner comes home from the military and come up with your own set of plans. Be open to any new views, schedules, or ideas the other may have about your life and relationship together now that your partner’s home. 

 

If the communication diminishes, a number of things can happen. A power struggle can develop, and for a while, each person may try to change the other. This is a normal developmental stage in any relationship and, if couples resolve it in a healthy way, they can move into a stable and long-term commitment again. While relationships blow up sometimes they can be fixed.

 

You need to compromise and share, or you will end up getting farther away from each other emotionally. Couples should be friends and learn to work together. Try scheduling a special day each week to go out or do something special between the two of you.  No kids, that’s not a date that’s work! This is time to share their lives and try to understand each other’s worlds.  Remember when you are away from each other for a while things are bound to change.  You need some time to catch up alone with each other.

 

Love starts a relationship, and communication makes it grow so that each partner may respect the others differences. Many couples who do not make an effort to learn about each other end up in divorce. 

 

Communication even helps your romance, talking openly and honestly fosters acceptance and deeper understanding which is essential if partners are to feel safe with one another.

 

You are bound to argue when your partner comes home; you’re bound to argue there after as well. Yet unbelievably it can build your relationship. Do you run out of the room to avoid a fight? Do you talk to your partner after a big fight? When people give up on each other, it is usually because they have stopped trying to resolve conflicts.

 

A study showed 95% of couples would stay together if they work out their fights / differences instead of running away from them.  Communication is a big issue.

 

Positive behavior during a fight:

·     Nodding

·     Placing a hand on a shoulder

 

Negative behaviors during a fight:

·     Whining

·     Stern criticism

 

With successful couples, the ratio is five positive behaviors to one negative. What makes them successful is the ability to reduce the negative feelings.

 

Even good relationships will foster some criticism and defensiveness, but there is a danger when people stonewall or feel contempt. Disrespect will replace hope.

 

Long-lasting, happy relationships have more than great communication. Listening is an important factor, which involves rewording, supporting, and acknowledging your partners feedback. Research indicates that most people who have trouble in their relationship struggle with listening.

 

Make small gestures. The little things matter. A good relationship is based on a deep friendship and mutual respect. Make an effort to show the other person you care.

 

Research shows that, “for every one negative thing you do, there must be five positive things that balance it out”. Make sure to balance the negatives with positives.

 

A commitment to being kind is no small matter. You have to do nice things often. It is much harder to be kind when you’re angry, so be patient.

 

Couples must find their own special ways of repairing the relationship. Using humor for example can help diffuse the escalating heat.

 

What is crucial in any debate is keeping things positive. You have to accept the other person’s perspective by having an appropriate discussion without getting critical or placing blame.

  

Here are some tips to help you deal with conflict:

 

1.   Bring up issues in a non threatening way. Be nice. NO name-calling.

 

2.   Be specific. If you can bring up the specific time and instance and how this made you feel, then people can change the behavior. Otherwise they may not understand your issue or can be made to feel trapped.

 

3.   Try to stay calm. Studies show that the calmer you are, the more you will be taken seriously. Take a breath, count to 10.

 

4.   If you’re going back and forth and you find blood pressure going up, take a minute. It’s ok to give yourself a cooling off period just don’t allow the other person to feel they are being dismissed.

 

 

I’m a true believer in the idea that every single action can have a different meaning to an individual depending on their gender, race and background. Keep that in mind the next time you find yourself in the middle of an argument.